let me tell u a secret...

nah it should b fine, i keep assuring myself.

after all, my chinese isnt too bad. a distinction is definitely within reach. the problem lies with whether i have the confidence to face the paper not.

i mean, i've been running low on that for a long time.

 

i have no life.

i dont know wat to do yanymore.

and i know there's no point asking the so-called friends of mine.

they dont learn to empathize.

suaning is wat i'd expet if i were to ask for directions in this cross-roads in life.

 

no wait. they might b as lost as i am. i dont know. i shouldnt judge b4 i know, right?

 

ah well. i should stop listening to songs. they alter my mood.

and i dont like the feeling that my mood is decided by songs.

ok so i watched the bloody movie last thurs. not exciting nor boring. more of disappointing. it destroyed the book completely. i mean, magic should b imagined, innit? not spoonfed. there shouldnt b a movie. j k rowling has done a good job with her english. and with the descriptions and actions already imprinted in my mind, i cant bring myself to accept the shit the movie came up with. so im sorry.

ok so i read the half-blood prince again. i sorta got it at around 12pm on sunday. yesterday, yes. then i read quite fast. around, say, 8hrs? and of course, dumbledore died. and again, it's smth the director of this sequel would not be able to bring out. well this makes the power of words more pronounced. i actually felt grieved for harry. and they said that a picture could paint a thousand words. well, not when the words came out first. the trilogy of the lord of the rings were rather much of a fiasco too, come to think of it. the story's already in the mind, and then  the movie comes along and tries to destroy wat's already within? impossible. they shouldnt try to emulate the story.

 

well i never like harry. be it the character in the story or the movie. dont like his face. haha. but then now, i find him bit the pitiable. he has to, like, give up his relationship with ginny. ah...the last few chapters were more of sentimental. and many a time i find myself brimming with emotions. shant dwell in this lest i get accused by non-existent readers as being emo.

 

and i dont really like the idea of book7 coming up so soon. i wont know how best to read it. wolf down everything in desperation, thirsty for the ending, or savour it slowly and enjoy the mental torture? well i dont want this series to end, i wont know of better things to read. i havent touched a storybook for ages.

 

also. should i re-read the whole series? like, give harry potter the greatest honour for having run its course?

ok so i was thinking as i pat some stuffed toy in the car. i dont know lah. i always felt that im rather much of a decent person and that friends wont simply pangseh me and walk off. or at least, perhaps, they could treat me better. perhaps i dont know how to treat people well. when words run out i simply stone, perhaps do smth extra, and cock things up. low EQ? perhaps. most probably.

so as i stroked the lion-like stuff toy, i was thinking. perhaps children love stuff toys because they can make the stuffed toy cuddle up in them without fear of rejection. stuffed toys are stuffed yanyway. perhaps they want to feel more secure, like 'hey, i have smth to fall back onto, to hold onto.' perhaps that insecurity rekindled me love for stuffed toys. so i stoned. and i thought.

hey. if, like, every1 also wants to give up on me, to walk away from me like im some god of plague, wont i be, like, hurting the stuffed toy's feelings? wat if the stuffed toy suddenly gained life? would it walk away too? perhaps i need smth more substantial to comfort myself. as a matter of fact, i sometimes treat my legs as stuffed toys. stroke the hair on my legs like fur. makes me feel comforted. the non-existent readers may laugh. i dont care. but hey. wat's wrong with doing smth to make urself feel good? of course, not at the expense of others. then i somehow cried on the car home. i turned my head to face the window. in such a way that no1 can see. i can feel the tiny rivulet of...liquid diamonds, i could feel them coursing down my face, my skin. it didnt tickle. i cant feel much. just the ethereal melancholy. and the void in my chest. of course, i managed to wipe the priceless water droplets away from my face without yany1's notice. how good at concealment i am.

then reached home. switched on the computer. went on friendster. pic 57 and 58. i dont have a choice. i have to go next week. i have to. im impelled to.

and the fucking singers better shut up. they know nothing of wat im feeling. or wat i felt. they know nothing. so dont sing about it. fuck

bathically, suicide. i sorta wanted to challenge myself. c whether i can survive without going online for 1 whole week not. haha then the seeds of temptation bathically germinated and poof, i became cococrunch. still got 6papers. pressure? bit i guess. anyway why'm i blogging here? i guess its coz i dont really want my thoughts made known to public? watever lah. im hungry. and well i cant feel much motivation to work. i mean, like, how to make myself study when im still so confused? if i do manage to get into that jc, would u acknowledge me? maybe u'd go 'eeyer' and shun me coz im 'not from this, that'. in a way i feel inferior. i dont mind saying. however, i still have to b strong dont i? i mean, i cant just let 1 person wreck my life over the slightest troubles. and i dare to say that all these thoughts r stuff i think too much abt. maybe u dont feel that way. maybe im abit too paranoid. watever. and i c alot of couples around me. they so happy. then i just laugh at myself for my sorry state, having only runescape as my best friend. everything seems distant. i know i have to pick myself up, myself. who else can help me? i wont say that no1 cares abt me though. im sure there're people around me who would. i have confidence in them. maybe im deluding myself, maybe they're just cheating me of my feelings, but nvm. i think it'd b very unfair of me to say that no 1 cares abt me if even 1person cares. not giving that person due recognition ya? cheers. one day, maybe u'd grow to like me. im waiting for that i guess. that day better come soon. my energy is nearly spent. there's just so much(little) 1 can do. i cant give in now. im hungry. ah. cheers then. till then, then.

loser. so i wont let my knees buckle anymore. i let them buckle, i fall to my knees. i hang my head, it's gone. i stop walking, i cant anymore. and for all that i wont b emo again. whenever i feel overwhelmed by thoughts and memories of u, i'd shake my head clear. hammer if necessary. but anyway i wont leave my mind immersed in those haunting memories. yes, immersed. my mind's already tainted as it is, thanx. but seriously its time for me to wake up. whenever i feel left out and all that crap, well i'd try to stop myself from thinking. coz once the corruption sets in, it'd b much harder to remove it. knees buckle, u start to fall. so might as well just remain strong. catch myself b4 i fall into my own darkness. my created world. wake up, alastair.